Unconditional Love Doesn’t Mean That You Have To Unconditionally Accept Bad Behaviors.

Reinforce Rules and Respect...

Now, we can show our kids fierce love without allowing them to run right over us...  We should  all take the following words to heart, ” Unconditional Love Doesn’t Mean That You Have To Unconditionally Accept Bad Behaviors.”...  Giving grace becomes an important tool in these tween and teens years, but so does setting limits... They are still children and they not only need, but often want boundaries... 

It helps them to know what to expect from you and what you expect of them...They can have bad moods and they can be angry with us... We need to give them the space for all those emotions... However, they need us to guide them on how to properly express those emotions and what the rules are when it comes to their behavior...

Although TV, social media and many other influences our older children are exposed to may provide poor examples,

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We have to be the balancing voice reinforcing that speaking to others disrespectfully is not acceptable... Respond to children when they are talking to you or even to each other in a rude way that “we are a family and we talk to each other using kind words.”... It’s also totally okay for us let our tweens and teens know when they’ve hurt our feelings...

Challenging them to think about how the things they say and do impact others is vital when it comes to developing empathy... If they want to be treated like adults, they have to act like adults... We show them how by defining what being disrespectful and hurtful looks like and by consistently enforcing the consequences when they cross the line...

Don’t Take It Personally... We were all their once.

Tweens and teens are experts and knowing exactly how to use words as weapons...

They understand how to inflict the most damage with even the simplest things they say... As their parents/teachers, we become almost daily targets in their ongoing battle of them against the world... Wow, can it be painful, but we need to realize it isn’t personal... The tween and teen years are filled with turmoil... 

Hormones are raging, bodies are changing in sometimes confusing and uncomfortable ways, and their brains aren’t yet fully developed to help them cope with all of this... They are also stuck in this place where adulthood is approaching and they are striving for more independence, but at the same time they are desperately seeking the approval of everyone in their life from parents to peers...

We were all their once. 

Try to think back to what it was like during this time for you...  You surely said some things, or maybe lots of things, to your parents / teachers that you regret. But as long as you came from a fairly healthy home, you and your parents survived and probably have a good relationship these days... For the most part, the surely demeanor of our tweens and teens is a simple defense mechanism...  They’re scared and unsure and often this is when our kids lash out the most... This was true even when they were younger... They are testing us, looking for reassurance that we will love them, no matter what... So, even at their ugliest, we need to meet them where they are with love...

A power struggle with kid and turned into something less volatile and more productive...

Recognize When They Are Pushing Your Buttons... 

When your child/student is standing there in front of you with their face full of attitude and nonsense coming out of their mouth it can be so hard to keep it together...When we match their intensity with our own frustrations, anger and yelling (and throwing things) it only serves to add fuel to the flames of their inner angst...  And we become an unwilling role model, reinforcing the same behavior and actions we’re trying to move them away from...

Keep It Calm...

When possible, even though it may require enormous restraint on our parts, the better approach is to keep our voices at normal volume and tone...  Set the rules of engagement for them... Explain that you’ll be happy to listen or talk with them about the issue if they can do so in a more reasonable way...They want to be in charge and they are hoping to bait you into meeting them on their turf, where they’ve got the advantage. Refusing to match their level of  intensity allows you to take back control and may in itself be enough to disarm the situation... 

If they still can’t pull it together...

Give them some space and time to cool down...  Revisit the issue later when everything isn’t so emotionally charged...  But be sure they know you’re not blowing them off or letting them off the hook... You might even set a specific time, like after dinner or the upcoming weekend or break times... Either way, you’ve taken a power struggle and turned into something less volatile and more productive... 

Raising internally motivated kids can be difficult.

Work alongside your child...

Most children are highly motivated by a desire to be part of a community... 

To spark your child’s intrinsic motivation to help at home, try involving him in everyday life, in the daily work of the household... Rather than assigning a task like asking him to go clean his room while you clean the kitchen, invite him to help you fold the laundry or cook dinner with you... Is this the fastest way to get things done?  No, definitely not. But it will become a time of bonding rather than a time of nagging and resisting... It will help your child experience the good feelings that come from helping just to be a good family member, rather than to earn money or a sticker on a chart...

Raising internally motivated kids can be difficult. It means we can’t always use the quick fix that will get our child to sit quietly in the grocery cart or leave the park without a fuss...  But it’s worth the effort to protect the natural drive that every child is born with –that desire to work hard and master new skills just for learning’s sake...

To children, it can seem like everything comes too easily to adults

Model the learning process...

Young children want to do everything we do... Try to let your child see you learning something new...

It could be as simple as tackling a new recipe, or something more complicated like learning to play an instrument... Whatever you choose, talk to your child about why you want to learn the new skill... 

Tell him you know it will be a lot of work, but it will be so worth it to learn something new... Let him see you get frustrated, and then keep trying... To children, it can seem like everything comes too easily to adults... They often don’t see our struggles... Show your child that struggling and persevering are normal parts of the learning process...

Normalize failure... 

Children are naturally so curious and want to try new things, but their egos can also be very fragile... 

If a child feels like he has failed if he can’t do something the first time, he loses the will to try... You can help normalize failure both by your direct interactions with your child, and through how you handle setbacks yourself... It’s more important to protect the child’s willingness and desire to try, than to help him get the right answer every time... 

The learning process is so much more important than the product... Children also learn how they feel about failure by watching us, and this can be more difficult to control... Showing our children that we’re okay with making mistakes sends a very important message that it’s okay for them to make mistakes too.  And this means it’s okay for them to try... 

Avoid external rewards

Avoid external rewards... 

It can be so tempting to turn to rewards or bribes to get our child to do something...

Offering a child a reward for a desired behavior can easily backfire, as they begin to expect the reward every time... They may do what you want, but they’re also becoming extrinsically motivated...That offering children rewards for activities they actually want to do, like coloring with markers, decreases the child’s desire to do the activity in the future... 

This may be because offering rewards sends the message that an activity is inherently unpleasant, or that the child should not want or have to do it unless there’s something in it for them...

Use encouragement, not praise

Use encouragement, not praise... 

Well-meaning parents/teachers often hand out the praise “good job” for every single thing a child does, whether it’s putting on his shirt by himself or sharing something with a friend... Apart from being somewhat hollow, this kind of praises ends a hidden message to children... It tells them that we don’t expect much of them, that we’re impressed when they perform basic acts of kindness or show simple competence... 

By saying “I love your picture!” or “I’m so proud of you!” sends the message that they should be performing to please us... As children grow, they begin to wonder if they’re letting us down when they don’t get a “good job!” They begin to need our praise to feel good about their accomplishments... 

But even if we abandon this common phrase, we can still offer positive reinforcement...

We can encourage children by noticing their effort... For example,  “Thank you for putting your toys away...You worked hard to clean up that big mess.”...Or  say to a child in classroom, “You read that whole book. I can tell you’ve really been practicing.”... 

Encouraging a child’s effort lets them know we see and appreciate what they’re doing, but it keeps the emphasis on their own process, rather than on producing something to please us...

It’s key for parents and schools to work together on school refusal

School Refusal, for some kids, it feels good to stay home with a parent, even if their parent spends much of the time trying to coax them back to school... “That is very powerful attention that, when kids are doing okay, they may not get that amount of parent attention,”... Or kids are avoiding a bully, or a particular social dynamic... But at least half of the time... it’s due to a mental health condition – often anxiety, depression, or both...

Technology means kids today have no trouble staying entertained... They can binge-watch their favorite shows –and keep up their social lives by texting their friends all day... But the longer kids avoid school, the more daunting their return feels... it’s key for parents and schools to work together on school refusal... “the willingness generally is there. It's just that anxiety or some other block is making it difficult for them to be there.”..

Both ADHD and child traumatic stress frequently co-occur with other conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities

Symptoms of child traumatic stress could be mistaken for ADHD and that the risk of misdiagnosis is high...  there is an overlap between ADHD symptoms and the effects of experiencing trauma... Unless symptoms are examined closely, the profiles of child traumatic stress and ADHD can appear to be similar... 

Eg...  Young children who experience trauma may have symptoms of hyperactivity and disruptive behavior that resemble ADHD... Trauma can make children feel agitated, troubled, nervous, and on alert... These behaviors can be mistaken for hyperactivity... What might seem like inattention in children who experience trauma might actually be symptoms of dissociation (feelings of unreality or being outside of one’s body) or the result of avoidance of trauma reminders... Among children who experience trauma, intrusive thoughts or memories of trauma (e.g., feeling like it is happening all over again) may lead to confused or agitated behavior which can resemble the impulsivity of ADHD...

Both ADHD and child traumatic stress frequently co-occur with other conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities... particularly Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder— overlap with both child traumatic stress and ADHD...  a traumatic event can make an underlying psychological condition worse, resulting in greater symptoms... 

A comprehensive assessment for child traumatic stress includes the following... Assessing for a wide range of traumatic events and time of occurrence so that they can be linked to developmental stages , Assessing for a wide range of symptoms (including but not limited to symptoms of PTSD), such as high-risk behaviors, family environmental factors, functional impairments, and trauma reminders and triggers, as well as their time of onset, Assessing the child's strengths, talents, abilities, sources of emotional support, and capacity for resilience, Gathering information using a variety of techniques (clinical interviews, standardized measures, and behavioral observations), Gathering information from a variety of perspectives (child, caregivers, teachers, other providers, etc.), Conducting ongoing assessments because symptoms often change as children develop and have new experiences and exposures to new stressors... 

Child traumatic stress can adversely affect a child's memory, attention, behavior, and emotional and social life

Child Traumatic Stress refers to a psychological reaction that some children have to a traumatic experience in which they are involved or have witnessed... Traumatic experiences can affect the brains, minds, and behavior of even very young children, causing similar reactions to some of those seen in older children and adults... 

Causes Child Traumatic Stress... Automobile accidents , Serious injuries , Violent acts , Neglect or abandonment , Unexpected death of a loved one , Life-threatening disasters , Acts of physical or sexual abuse...  

Treat Child Traumatic Stress...  Promoting safety and building routines and rituals , Teaching children stress management and relaxation skills to help them cope with distress and trauma reminders , Talking about traumatic events in ways that enable children to master painful feelings and resolve the impact the events have on their lives , Correcting untrue or distorted ideas about what happened and why , Enhancing children’s ability to regulate emotions, behaviors, and physiological reactions... 

Child traumatic stress can adversely affect a child's memory, attention, behavior, and emotional and social life... It can also change the structure of the child’s brain, alter the nervous system, and deplete a child's capacity to bear ordinary life stresses. Trauma and subsequent experiences can damage a child's trust in a safe world... 

All children have strengths to help them adapt and progress toward recovery. Even those children with a complicated and overlapping symptom profile can thrive with appropriate supports from family, friends, school, and community...

A strong genetic link since ADHD can run in families

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a common neurobiological disorder with onset in childhood that is characterized by developmentally inappropriate levels of inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity... 

The symptoms shown in ADHD are linked to many specific brain areas, and are influenced by the activity of stress-signaling pathways that control attention and behavior in the brain’s prefrontal cortex...

Symptoms related to hyperactivity may lessen over time and become more subtle, while those of inattention and distraction remain throughout adulthood... Thus, poor school performance may intensify due to increased demands and expectations... 

Causes...  a strong genetic link since ADHD can run in families... Other factors... exposure to lead or pesticides in early childhood ? premature birth or low birth weight ? brain injury ? prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs... 

Treat ADHD... Parent and child education about ADHD diagnosis, its causes, and the course of treatment ? Behavioral therapy for the child to manage his/her behaviors and acquire new skills ? Mental health counseling for the child, as well as the family, to address relationship, self esteem, discipline, and parenting concerns, among other issues ? Parent training classes or programs to help them address the child’s behavior ? Educational program modifications and supports, including IEPs, tutoring, and special education programs ? ADHD medication prescription, in conjunction with regular monitoring... 

Without appropriate identification and treatment, a child who has ADHD can experience serious consequences, including school failure, depression, conduct problems, failed relationships, and substance abuse... 

All things can go wrong when you force a child

Encourage your child to pursue interests and talents... 

Pursuing interests and talents helps children feel a sense of mastery and achievement... It can positively engage children through the teen and young adult years, teaching persistence and helping protect against risk-taking behavior... It’s a wonderful thing to excel at something you love...

Parents directing children’s interests to fulfil unmet dreams and needs of their own... When you force a child to excel for your own reasons, all sorts of things can go wrong, even when they look like they’re going right... This can set children up for feeling like a failure, feeling intense levels of pressure and feeling controlled... 

You create boundaries on behavior to keep your child safe... Awesome parents guide their child’s behavior by setting considered boundaries and limits... Children without limits and boundaries often end up in a lot of trouble or lost... 

Boundaries help children feel loved and valued, even if they don’t like the boundaries some of the time... Some examples of helpful limits include a bedtime routine, respectful language towards family members, and not permitting teens to attend parties where alcohol is supplied... 

Why some parents don't connect with their child?

‘Connect’ with your children: 

Spend time with them when they wake up, when they come in from school, at family meals, when they go to bed... It’s the intention and awareness that makes a difference... Even two minutes can provide “a dose of fulfilling connection”... 

Parents set the rules: 

“You’ll know when some negotiation is advisable and when it isn’t"...

Check your attitude: Instead of shouting or texting when it’s dinner time, walk up stairs and speak to them... If that requires more energy than you have, this is not an energy issue, but “an attitude issue”.... Don’t try to control. 

Try to lead: If you find yourself always getting into a standoff with your child, “you’d better not force the issue, because you are just going to create conflict”... Don’t try to control... Work on rebuilding the relationship... Hold off giving your child a mobile phone for as long as possible...

Challenging behaviors are in fact “not behavioral problems, but a relationship problem”... Some of these mistakes are specific, such as using time out... Others include using a nagging, angry or cold voice, wielding adversarial discipline or neglecting to spend sufficient time with your children... 

Speak nicely to your kids, treat them as you would any loved one, be ready with a hug, avoid overuse of your phone in their company, spend time with them, solicit their good intentions... 

“We need to make a decision as to how much of that working life is essential and how much is discretionary.”... Even slivers of time help: a parent who comes home late can pop into a child’s room for a quick catch-up if they are awake...Don’t take rejections personally. You hang in there. You are wooing the child back into the relationship... 

Teachers can bridge the gap between class and real world

Teachers' main challenge begins with the gap between class and real world, the world changes faster than classes do,’... ‘Everyone knows that we have to change education as soon as possible but the problem is how, and we do not have much time to fail.’... 

In the 21st Century we need to have problem solving skills, to combat whatever kind of problems there will be...  The future of education should focus on the kinds of competencies that helps students to grow; knowledge itself is already everywhere, and now we need students who can use it well...

‘When a teacher selects a class design from the platform and applies it to their classroom, the next step is to post the experience and feedback on the platform... This way, a class design is continually experimented and developed, this helps to make it easier for other teachers to apply a successful model in their classroom.’...Helps teachers to feel less alone and to have the support from their peers to try new things and to help others to improve on original ideas..."Its platform is to show that together it’s easier.’... 

To send children preparation materials so that they’re ready to lead the discussion in the next class... This allows teachers to spend more time facilitating the class and helping individual children with their learning... Instead of the teacher giving a lecture, communication among students arises... After this communication is activated, any future education challenges, such as problem solving or entrepreneurship, can be done as well more easily.’...

Through connection, collaboration and ideas sharing, teachers can bridge the gaps of student motivation and engagement, and align the classroom more readily with children’s lives outside of school... By using the very skills that we say we need children to have to thrive in our uncertain times, we can help our teachers to thrive too, and empower them to lead the future of education... 

Confiscating a teen’s smartphone

Confiscating a teen’s smartphone isn’t the same as turning off the television or banning videogames. It’s not the same as barring them from using the telephone or “grounding” them so they can’t meet their friends at the mall... Taking away a kid’s phone is taking away all those things at once and more... 

Spaces like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, are among the few places where teens are able to kick back and express themselves, connect to their peers, and develop their identity without adult oversight... “When you remove a teen’s lifeline to their friends, there will be a major emotional backlash, a breakdown of the parent-child relationship.”... 

“If your child violates curfew, taking away the phone is completely unrelated to that behavior,”... “You’re not connecting with the kid... You are making him feel bad, which you think is helping him learn, but in fact is helping him learn to be sneaky or learn that you are the punisher.”... That going for the lesson, instead of the punishment, is more effective with teens. “We have to connect with your kids before you correct them,"... If you catch your teen posting something inappropriate, then your first step should be asking your teen about the behavior, letting him explain his thinking...

Given that learning to use your own judgment is a big part of growing up, it’s important for parents to realize that regulating their own phone behavior is something kids need to learn, too, sometimes by trial and error...  “The goal here is to teach kids how to manage their own relationship to technology,” “knowing that technology is the conduit to their entire life.”... 

Social media networks provide a way for kids to interact with each other that’s not organized and supervised by authorities, as school... 

Families can set dinner aside as a time when everyone puts down their phones and checks in with each other... For families who are on the go, car rides are another good time to unplug and have a conversation... 

Children need our love, touch and full-on attention to survive.

Children need us to see them as whole human beings, not just the sum of their behaviors. They need us to listen to them, to validate their feelings and to take them seriously for who they are and the people into whom they will grow... They need our attention —and seeking it isn’t an inherently negative thing...

“And when they do not receive attention,”  “they compensate in all kinds of ways: repressing their needs and wants, shouting and becoming aggressive or violent, going underground and harboring resentment alone, or seeking it from anyone who will give it to them.”..  

When we replaced the idea of children seeking attention with children wanting a relationship, we began to talk differently about how, as adults, to react in relationship, we don’t ignore a person’s cry out for us; we become more present, listening and observing patiently... 

Children need our love, touch and full-on attention to survive. They could die without it — indeed, some do.” 

We actually have more than five senses.

We actually have more than five senses.

One of them is our vestibular sense, which is vital for not only our sense of balance but also our overall cognitive and physical development... This sense develops in our inner ears... To over-simplify it, there is a little chamber filled with liquid in our inner ears... 

As children move their heads up and down, and left and right, and spin around and go upside down this liquid moves around over the little hairs... When stimulated, these hairs send messages to our brain about the position and movement of our bodies in space... 

This area also serves as our brain’s air-traffic control system, receiving, sorting and relaying sensory information from our other sensory organs and passing it on to the corresponding areas in our brain... This means our vestibular sense has crucial implications for children’s ability to concentrate, behave and respond to others... 

Swings are too rare a sight these days, with worries about litigation nearly killing them off entirely... It is on us to advocate and educate the necessary people in our settings to help bring them back... Swings won’t magically fix all of the problems of modern life, but it is high time they took their place again as a fixture of our early years settings and schools... 

Bullying at School

Bullying is far less likely to take root in school cultures where kindness, empathy, and responsibility for others are the norm, where students care about and feel responsibility to the school community as a whole, and where a critical mass of students model positive behavior for other students... These caring school cultures also help students feel empowered and valued, which in turn means they are less likely to seek power or find value in dominating, demeaning, or marginalizing their peers... 

If we want to prevent bullying, we must do more than teach our kids to be upstanders and not to be bullies... We must start by teaching them to be kind, especially to those different from them in background and character, and to help build caring, inclusive communities...

Much of the work of cultivating kindness in our kids begins at home n school... As parents n teachers, we must not only be strong moral role models, we must also be willing to admit our imperfections and show our kids that being a kind and empathetic person is a valuable and lifelong practice... We should also strive to create a culture of accountability at home n school that begins with us as parents n teachers... we should ask ourselves, are our own actions influencing our kids’ attitudes and behaviors... Sometimes we need to have the courage to ask respected friends and family—including our kids—for feedback... 

Adolescence is a tornado of change:

Not only is it the period of fastest physical change in life – aside from infancy. 

But also newfound drives, motivations, and feelings of sexuality are amplified.

There are profound shifts to metabolisms and sleeping cycles, as well as social roles – especially in the context of schools.

During these years, motivation is propelled not by a tangible goal to work toward, but by a feeling of wanting and thirst... The feelings of acceptance, rejection, admiration, among others, are all the story of adolescence... 

Children in this age group also seek physical sensations and thrills... There’s heightened awareness of social status, especially as they realize that acts of courage can earn them higher social status among peers... Their wildly swinging neurological systems also mean that adolescents can readjust quickly – making those years critical for educators to engage students in “the right ways,”... Adolescents constantly seek the emotional satisfaction of being admired... 

Children around the world are entering puberty at younger ages... Today it’s closer to eight years old... The transition for boys is similar... The earlier onset of these pronounced biological changes puts pressure on educators and parents to update their expectations for what it means to be young... 

“This is an interesting potential opportunity, with the longer time to learn activated motivational systems, longer time to increase skills and develop patterns of developing knowledge,”... “If kids grow up in opportune settings, they can take advantage of the scaffolding and freedom to go on to take adult roles. But the risks are probably more amplified than opportunities for kids in disadvantaged settings.”...

Window of motivational learning, a time when the brain more intensely senses motivational feelings, strengthening the patterns of connections to heartfelt goals, and creates potential for deep, sustained learning... adolescents’ abilities to rapidly reshape motivations and goals both supports their emotional volatility as well as presents a key period to find love – not necessarily romantically for others, but for academic activities and goals... With the feelings that pull you to persevere, maybe [adolescence is] a particularly opportune time to fall in love with learning itself, to love that feeling of exploring... 

“There’s a new window to create that ‘Yes!’ feeling.”

Children’s play goes through many stages

Children’s play goes through many stages — and how toys are played with changes accordingly...

 

Babies experience the world through their senses and motor movements...

 

Two-year-olds engage in parallel play, playing independently alongside another child...  Their toys are very concrete representations of what they’re playing...

 

Pre-schoolers and junior infants play with other children... Socio-dramatic and role-play becomes important... They act out scenes — feeding/changing baby...

 

As children get older, play becomes more elaborate and abstract and toys can be symbolic representations — a car can stand in for a jeep...Cooperative play’s important with games like hide-and-seek...

 

Around age eight, rule-based games and complying with these rules become import ant, as does wish for competence in games... As children’s play develops, their capacity to socialize does too... “Developing the skill of taking turns, of waiting, are fundamental to building relationships"...

 

Older children use the word ‘pretend’ less when playing pretend games together... “There are huge negotiation skills and compromises involved... Communication becomes more implicit, more assumed — there’s shared pretending: ‘I’ll be the shopkeeper’ and it’s assumed you’ll be the customer...  There’s a shared meaning and a reliance on the non-verbal"... it’s very normal for them to be playing until they’re in secondary school.”...

Children Need to Play

Children need to play for their cognitive, social and emotional development.

‘Play is the child’s language and the toys are their words’... 

For children, play is a stage for real life.

“They practice what they see, imitating in a very safe way what they see adults doing, what’s done in society — the cultural ways.

They need play to express their feelings in a safe way. They can do in fantasy what’s not allowed in reality.”

A child with strong feelings of jealousy towards a new sibling... “They might play ‘hurting’ and ‘binning’ the baby and it’s safe to do it... They’re only playing it out, so guilt is alleviated and there are no consequences... They get their tension out safely,” ‘we wouldn’t really do that in real life, but it’s okay to play it out’...And it’s important for fostering a positive parent/child relationship. 

“Parents/ Teachers who join their child in play have a unique opportunity to step into and experience the child in their world... So often, it’s the other way around —we’re asking children to adapt to our world.”

Four Reading Skills

To emphasize four reading skills: 

Phonemic awareness, the ability to hear, identify and manipulate the smallest unit of sound, or phoneme, in a word.

Phonological awareness, 

the ability to recognize and work with sounds

letter-sound knowledge

the ability to identify the unique sounds that every letter makes and 

rapid automatized naming, the ability to quickly name aloud a series of familiar items